The Complete Bro Code Part I

CREDITS : Barney Stinson, Facebook Group "The Bro Code"

Article 1: Bro's before Ho's

Article 2: A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are doing it

Article 3: If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown

Article 4: A Bro never divulges the of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a scared document not to be shared with chicks for any reason...no not even that reason. NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first let me apologise: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is- a peice of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually beleive or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

*Psst-her guys I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above-the Bro Code is definitely NOT a peice of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article.

Article 5: whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Article 6: A /bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Nros in a gym locker room

Article 7: A Bro never admits he can't drve stick. Even after an accident.

Article 8: A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

Article 9: Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimmee three!" or "Wow, quiiting your job like that really took a lot of ball". Its still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls...metaphorically speaking of course.

Article 10: A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

Article 11: A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first discoling an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furnititure. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are-in most cases, stuck in a doorway.

Article 12: Bros do no share dessert

Article 13: All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman

Article 14: If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual history, a Bro shall honor the 'Brode of silence' and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than tell the truth.

Article 15: A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.

Article 16: A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year

Article 17: A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming

Article 18: If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group

Article 19: A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sisters hot!"

Article 20: A Bro respects his Bros in the m,ilitary because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but mpre to the point, because they can kick his ass sex ways to sunday.

Article 21: A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting.

Article 22: There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Article 23 When flipping through TV channals with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, womens athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.

Article 24: When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

Article 25: A Bro doesnt let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name.

Article 26: Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

Article 27: A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach

Article 28: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existance of a girl fight

Article 29: If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. Also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

Article 30: A Bro doesn't comparison shop.

Article 31: When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know

Article 32: A Bro doesnt allow another Bro to get married until hes at least thirty

Article 33: When in a public restroom, a Bro

(1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal;

(2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and

(3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball...rebounding is optional.

Article 34: Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil's Threeway.

Article 35: A Bro never rents a chick flick

Article 36 DD: When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

Article 37: A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly they're not that heavy

Article 38: Even in a fight to the death a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin. When a Bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

Article 40: Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."

Article 41: A Bro never cries (Exceptions- Watching Field of Dreams, ET or a sports legend right (only first time he retires))

Article 42: Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

Article 43: A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.

Article 44: A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro

Article 45: A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club

Article 46: If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unlesss the dude has

(a) teken his shoes off,

(b) is snoring,

(c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or

(d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.

Article 47: A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe

Article 48: A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged.

Article 49: When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I gotit," whether or not he's actually got it.

Article 50: If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

The Complete Bro Code Part II

Article 51: A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down

Article 52: A Bro is not required to remember another Bros birthday, though a phone call every not and again probably wouldn't kill him

Article 53: Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice

Article 54: A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Paddy's Day and other official Bro hilidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13th)

Article 55: Even inan emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.

Article 56: A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/chick Ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 57: A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

Article 58: A Bro doesn't grow a mustache (Exception Tom Selleck)

Article 59: A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive (Crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)

Article 60: A Bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

Article 61: If a Bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Article 62: In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. *Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.

Article 63: A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection

Article 64: A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro's favourite sports team in a playoff scenario

Article 65: A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks amoung Bros.

Article 66: If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - desered or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.

Article 67: Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.

Article 68: If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent. (Dry spell trumps hot streak)
Article 69: Duh.

Article 70: A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.

Article 71: As a courtest to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.

Article 72: A Bro never spell-checks.

Article 73: When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.

Article 74: At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car infront of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

Article 75: A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick.

Article 76: If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone

Article 77: Bros don't cuddle

Article 78: A Bro shall never rack jack his wingman

Article 79: At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he's not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

Article 80: A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle, short of completing the tricycle himself.

Article 81: A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros

Article 82: If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologise to make amends. Tha's inhuman.

Article 83: A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

Article 84: Bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch Die Hard if it's on TV.

Article 85: If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.

Article 86: When a Bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.

Article 87: A Bro never questions another Bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.

Article 88: If a Bro, for whatever reason must drive another Bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

Article 89: A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro

Article 90: A Bro shows up at another Bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

Article 91: If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call bim by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname

Article 92: A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance

Article 93: Bros don't speak French to one another

Article 94: If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees

Article 95: A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally. (The shoes tap, The eye redirect, The swift shin kick *D cups and up only, please*)

Article 96: Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire

Article 97: Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend

Article 98: A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event

Article 99: A Bro never asks for directions when lost

Exception: A Bro may as for directions for a hot chick who seems to know the area Exception: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost Exception: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.

Article 100: When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.

Corollary: If there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the Bro, the Bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. If he's not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.

The Complete Bro Code Part III

Article 101: If a Bro asks another Bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave* This is what makes them Bros, not chicks

*And beyond if the Bro discovers there is indeed life after death.

Article 102: A Bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman.

Article 103: A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgrear plan and sticks with it.

Article 104: The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and /or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing...provided she looks good in it...but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes

Article 105: If a Bro is not invited to another Bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, even if, let's face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. Its cool. No big whoop.

Article 106: Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro alwas selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night

Article 107: A Bro never leaves another Bro hanging

Article 108: If a Bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah","dude", or "man" but never "Bro"

Article 109: When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contraty.

Article 110: If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome

Article 111: If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random cntacts and then deleting all sent messages.

Article 112: A Bro doesnt sing along to music in a bar. Exception: A Bro may participate in karaoke Exception to exception: No chick songs

Article 113: A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a young chick
Acceptable age difference formula
Chick's age = Guy's age divided by 2, + 7
(Shall add chart shortly)

Article 114: If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall sheam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable

Article 115: A "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for Bros

Article 116: A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bros chances to score with a chick

Article 117: A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up to manually change the channel

Article 118: When a Bro is with his Bros he is not a vegetarian

Article 119: When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar...a Brotorcycle

Article 120: A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name

Article 121: Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.

Article 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always.

Article 123: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess, two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.

Article 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

Article 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro TRain, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

Article 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the confratulary gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.

Artricle 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.

Article 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, its preffered that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code...half naked from the waist up, naturally.

Article 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of laawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

Article 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic addident, he must first ask what type of car he colleded with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.

Article 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to bassersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.

Article 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ

Article 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.

Article 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman

Article 135: If a scenario arises inw hich a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copitot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

Article 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested "It was okay"

Article 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros

Article 138: A real Bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.
Exception: Unless he doesn't know the guy.

Article 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro"

Article 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. (Lemon Law)

Article 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he's trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) its been longer than a month since his last manicure. Its called the Bro Code, not the slob Code.

Article 142: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.

Article 143: When executing a high five a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers of grasping his Bro's hand

Article 144: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it's still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wresting to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.

Article 145: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion

Article 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detain when relating sexual exploits to his Bros

Article 147: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro's back
Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy
Exception: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week)
Exception: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back

Article 148: A Bro doesnt listen to chick music...in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.

Article 149: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars

Article 150: No sex with you Bro's ex

*NEWS!*

It is indeed true, Carter Bays and Criag Thomas have signed a deal to release 'The Bro Code', Sources say this should be released in the autumn.
I like to think that our continued interest had some effect in encouraging this decision.

Vacuum Fail

Pickup lines and comebacks

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Maybe. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

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Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

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Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

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Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

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Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

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Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

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Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

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Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

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Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”

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Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

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Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

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Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

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Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.

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Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

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Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account. Then the door.”

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Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

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It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I’m checking you out.
Oh, sorry, I’m reserved for someone else.

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This may be the all time most memorable response to a pick up line. From Erin Brockovich, starring Julia Roberts. Remember this scene

George: Can I get your number?
Erin Brockovich: My number? Which one do you want?
George: How many numbers you got?
Erin Brockovich: Oh, I got numbers comin’ outta my ears. For instance: ten.
George: Ten?
Erin Brockovich: Yeah. That’s how many months old my baby girl is.
George: You got a little girl?
Erin Brockovich: Yeah. Yeah, sexy, huh? How ’bout this for a number? Six. That’s how old my other daughter is, eight is the age of my son, two is how many times I’ve been married - and divorced; sixteen is the number of dollars I have in my bank account. 850-3943. That’s my phone number, and with all the numbers I gave you, I’m guessing zero is the number of times you’re gonna call it!

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Male: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I and U together
Female: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put F and U
together.

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Male: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Female: did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell?

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He says “Where have you been all my life”
She says “Hiding from you….how the hell did you find me?”

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Male: I would die for you…
Female: Prove it

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‘Male: I’m all you’ve got good lookin’
Female: then I must not have alot

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“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”

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“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”

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“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

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“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

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“I can tell that you want me.”
“Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave.”

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“Hey, baby, What’s your sign?”
“Stop.”

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“Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

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“May I see you pretty soon?”
“Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”

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“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, there are no services today.”

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After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.

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If you are looking at a girl and she says “What are you looking at?”
say “I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.”

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Does beauty run in your family? 
It obviously doesn’t in yours!

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What’s your name sexy?
Taken!

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Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Yeah, but this time don’t stop!

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I think you’re the best looking girl in here.
Really? Well, I’d better go find the best looking guy then, hadn’t I!

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Your legs go clear up to your ass.
Most peoples’ do!

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Can I buy you a drink?
Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

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“You look like a dream.”
Response: “Go back to sleep.”

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What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

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“I can see forever in your eyes.”
“But all I can see is never in yours.”

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‘”I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included.”
“Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk.”

Vaseline

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.

He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.

He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle.

He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

Who said it?

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let`s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said `Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba`s classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I`m gonna throw up."
Teacher says "Who said that?"
Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well suck my ----!"
Once again, it`s Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo0.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'

Little Johnny Again!

10 Commandments                                                      

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."

*****************************************

Alabama                                                                    

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".
This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

***************************

Alligator                                                                   

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

***************************

Anatomy      

                                                                  
A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"
The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"

***************************

Animal Game     

                                                          
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

Young Doctor

A young medical student approaches an older patient in a hospital bed, wielding a syringe.
"Nothing to worry about," the student says, noticing the concerned expression on the old bloke’s face, "just a little prick with a needle."
"I know you are," says the old man, "but what the Hell are you gonna do with it?"

Sleeping Pills

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Big Brother

Big Brother is like anal sex.
Some people like it, but at the end of the day, it's still fucking shit.

Expiry Date

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Sense of Humour

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Deja Poo

I had a Shit this morning and it was exactly the same as the shit I had yesterday!
Déjà poo

Dog vs Wife

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
- The dog. He''ll shut up once you let him in.

Marriage

This morning my son asked me, "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife untill after they're married?"
"Son" i replied, "that happens in every country".

Speeding…

The other day I got pulled over for speeding
Apparently, "Because you were chasing me!" isn't a valid reason

Wat a story…

Read in the newspaper today that a man went crazy after 20 years of working in a hardware store.
He got taken to a mental institute where he managed to escape.
After breaking out of the institute he broke into a laundrette and raped the owner before fleeing the scene.
The newspaper headline was, nut, screws washer and bolts.

Condom and Coffin

What does a condom and a coffin have in common ?
They both contain stiffs, except ones coming and ones going!

Minimum….

An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles blindly into a chiropodist's office instead. He weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed. "Stick it through that curtain," she says. 'Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk whips out his old chap and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. "Christ!" replies the drunk. 'I didn't know you had a minimum."

Thought of the day…

I think it should be part of a friend’s job to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Slinkies

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" asked Billy.
Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

The Stay

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

3 Bullets

There was a woman who was heavily pregnant with triplets, and one day she was walking past a bank when a bank robber ran out and shot her 3 times in the stomach.
She was rushed into hospital and told that the triplets were fine and labour would go ahead as normal. So she had her triplets, two girls and a boy, and everything went fine for 16 years.
The woman was sitting in her living room and her daughter came in crying and the mother goes "Whats the matter?" and the daughter replies "I was having a wee and a bullet came out" so the mother tells her about the fateful day 16 years ago. The next day her other daughter does the same, comes in crying, was having a wee and a bullet came out, so the mother tells her the story too.
Then the next day the son comes in crying and the mother goes "Were you having a wee and a bullet came out too?" and the son replies "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog"

Kids

Two policemen knock on the door of a flat and a 10 year old boy answers with a bottle of vodka in his hand, a prostitute on his arm and a joint between his lips. The two policemen give each other an uneasy look and say "Is your dad in son?" the boy replies "Does it fucking look like it you asshole?!"

Smart Kid!

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

Irish!!

An American guy is driving through Ireland when he stops to ask a local for directions: "Excuse me sir, could you tell me the best way to get to Killarney?"
"Well are you driving or are you walking?"
So the American replies: "I'm driving."
"Well that's the best way."

Sniffer Dog

Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks "Is he a guide dog?"

The guy replies, "No, im a Customs Officer and he's a sniffer dog, watch this...." and says to the dog "Search!"

The dog goes off, comes back, and puts one paw on his lap. "Heroin!" the Officer says, and makes a note of the passenger.

The dog comes back again, and puts two paws on his lap. "Coke!" the Officer says.

The dog comes back again, and shits all over the seat. "Whats that then?" the man asks. The Officer replies, " A fucking bomb!..."

When the fly goes down…..

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"
There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"
There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"
There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"
There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"
There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"
So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.
What's the moral of the story?
When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

Funny Grannys

A group of grannies are sitting in the nursing home when an elderly man walks in.
One of the ladies shouted: "We want to bet we can tell your exact age"
The old man said 'No you can't, you silly old bats'
The grannies called: "Just drop your pants and jump up and down a few times"
Certain that they couldn't know his age he dropped his pants and shorts and started jumping up and down.
The grannies had him spin a few circles and then called: "Your 87 years old!"
The old man cried "Unbelievable, how could you possibly know that?"
With tears of laughter still running down their cheeks they cried "Because we came to your birthday party yesterday!"

Sports Name Fail

You Never Came up !

A woman of 50 something years of age was at home happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a minute then asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old arse?"

She replied "Your name never came up."

9 warning signs for any internet user

Friendship

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

The Psychic

Funny Nicknames

3 WOMEN DECIDE TO NICKNAME THEIR HUSBANDS BASED ON SODAS:
1st:- MOUNTAIN DEW, BCOZ HE'S AS STRONG AS MOUNTAIN AND
ALWAYS WANTS TO DO.
2nd:-7UP BCOZ HE'S 7 INCHES AND ALWAYS UP
3rd:-JACK DANIELS , THE OTHER 2 ARE CONFUSED
AND ASK ISNT IT "HARD LIQOR"?
SHE SMILES:- YES, HE IS A HARD LICKER!!

Women of different ages

What is the difference between girls/women
aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28
You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

The last magic trick

A magician is entertaining a childrens party, at the end of his show little Peter comes up to the magician tugs on his trousers and shouts
"Mr Magician, Mr Magician please do another trick!", to which the magician replies packing his stuff away
"Sorry, that's it, the shows over, no more magic tricks for today I'm afraid".
Still the little Peter persists...
"Mr Magician, Mr Magician, please do another trick!!"
To which the Magician responds again....
"No! no more magic tricks! now go and play in the garden"
Again little Peter persists "But Mr Magician, just one more trick!".
Annoyed, the magician gives in..
"Ok, Ok, just one more trick then that's it...".
Little Peter delighted with a smile on his face anticipates the magicians last trick....
"Bend over..." says the magician
Little Peter bends over
"Now................ can you feel my thumb up your bum?" asks the magican
"Yes, i can" says little Peter.
The magician waves both hands in front of the boys face and replies...
"Look, that's magic!".

The elephant shit experiment

One day, three scientists were having a discussion about how much an elephant shits in one year. The scientists all had very different opinions on this and decided that the only way to find out would be to do an experiment.
The experiment involved putting a cork into an elephants arse and leaving it there for one year. All of the scientists agreed that this was a good way to measure how much the elephant would shit in one year. However, one of the scientists pointed out that once the cork is removed the explosion of shit could be imense. So in the year they spent waiting to remove the cork they trained a monkey to remove the cork.
The day had arrived to remove the cork, the monkey was in position and the scientists went to their positions.
The first one said,"I'm not taking any chances, I'm standing half a mile away!"
The second one insisted,"I think your still too close, I'm standing mile away!"
The third one announced,"Well I think your both crazy, I'm standing two miles away!"
With the scientists in position the monkey was instructed over radio to remove the cork. The elephant screamed and the explosion of shit was enormous. The scientist standing two miles away was covered up to his ankles in shit, thinking to himself,"This isn't too bad, could be worse."
He walked up to the second scientist who was up to his waist in shit. He was fuming, "I should have listened to you, look at me I'm up to my fucking waist in elephant shit!"
They both walked up to the first scientist who was standing only half a mile away. He was covered up to his neck in shit but was giggling to himself. They said to him,"Why the hell are you laughing, your up to your neck in elephant shit... What's so funny?"
"I'm just thinking about the monkey", came the reply.

The Wierd Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were more than 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Hypnotism

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior centre.

Worst Day of my life

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Theoritical and Actual

Little Johnny says to his Dad "Dad, what's the difference between theoretical and actual?"

"Well son", his Dad replies, "Go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for £1 Million"

Little Johnny retunrs; "She said she would"

Now go and ask your Sister the same question. He runs off and comes back; "She said yes as well".

"Right son" says the Dad "Go ask your brother the same question"

Johnny comes running back "He said he would as well Dad"

Ok son, listen carefully. "Theoretically we're sitting on £3million, but actually we're living with 2 sluts and a gay".

Nice Advice

Some guy just came up to me in work and said, "Did you know, people have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more and talk less."
I said, "Hmm, maybe; or, seeing that you have two legs and only one head, maybe you should think less and fuck off!"

Australia sucked

The phone rings in the Australian Cricket Team's changing room.
"G'day. Could I speak to Ricky Ponting, please?"
"Aww, look, sorry mate, he's just gone out to bat."
"Oh, that's alright, mate. I'll hang on."

Somebodys badly screwed

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

For all liverpool fans

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Failed Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "Food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "Honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "Shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "Opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "Solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "Please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "The rest of the world" meant.

Thats Fun

Students, cause chaos in your town. Wait until you spot some young lads from the council digging up the road.
Call the police and tell them there are some students, dressed as roadworkers, digging up the road for a bet.
Then approach the roadworkers, and tell them that some students, dressed as policemen, are going to try to arrest them.
Get a deckchair and enjoy the action.

The Perfect Day

 

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Advice for new girlfriends

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Niether would Pete

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete," I added.

Spiderman

Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

That has to be a record

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That's not a record is it?"
"It is for a 10 year old."

Son of a Bitch!!

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Things You Learn From Watching Porn:

Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
Women always orgasm when men do.
A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
All women are noisy fucks.
People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
Those tits are real.
A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
Asian men don't exist.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
There's a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
Nurses suck patients cocks.
Men always pull out.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.
Women never have headaches.
When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'.
Assholes are clean.
A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.
Men don't have to beg.
When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
Pigtails = handlebars.

David Beckham

David Beckham has joked that when he is in bed with Victoria she always teases him for having such a small cock, but his teammates in the shower after football always compliment him on how massive it is.
Well, that's the difference an erection makes...

How to screw the police :P

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Multipurpose Tissues

What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

2 Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

Bad luck

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.
I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Americans

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

Different types of ass:

(_!_)=Normal Ass
(__!__)=Big Ass
(!)=Tight Ass
(_?_)=Dumb Ass
(_E=MC2_)=Smart Ass
(_$_)=Rich Ass
(_x_)=Kiss My Ass
(_X_)=Get Off My Ass
(_duplicate_) = ass bandit

Comeback!

I was sitting in the library yesterday chuckling loudly at Sickipedia on my laptop.
"Do you mind?" says some old cock "There's people trying to read in here"
"They must be fucking slow then," I replied, "I learned when I was 4".

Paddy and Mick in the graveyard

Paddy and Mick are walking through a graveyard looking at headstones.
Mick says to paddy look at this one this guy was 127 !
Paddy asks "whats his name ? "
"Miles to London" replies Mick

The French

Two married French couples, the Bellamonts and the Laroches, are bored with their relationships and decide to do a wifeswap in a hotel. The next morning Mr. Bellamont and Mr. Laroche are in the buffet and the first says to the second, 'so, I wonder how the wives got on'.

Canada

Canada had the most potential of any nation in history. They could have had the culture of the British, the cuisine of the French and the technology of the Americans.
Instead, they got the culture of the Americans, the cuisine of the British and the technology of the French.

Lucky Painters

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.
A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”
He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”

Sex Lubricant!

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

Funny Pic

 

Great door signs:

Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.

Politicians and Pornstars

What do politicians & porn stars have in common?
They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Up or Down?

At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river.
The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."
She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, "Fuck or drown!"

Coincidence

Santa went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' Santa said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said Santa.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said Santa. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

Confusion

What would confuse a guy who is gay?
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think.
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think.
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think.
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think.
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Ans:An apple
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Confused.......
i know, u all guys will be confused....

Chest

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

The lucky nerd?

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.
His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible.
Dad agreed.
The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari.
The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible."
The dad replied "the convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

Anything Else?

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
"Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"

Banta the reporter

Santa on long tour asks Banta 2 inform if anything unusual haoens at home.
Banta SMSs after a month: Man who comes 2 Screw Ur Wife daily, didnt come today.

Paperclip and Screw

Boss during Interview for Post of Secretary asked: What's the Difference between a Paperclip & a Screw?
Lady: I don't know, I've never been Paperclipped !

Childbirth or ball bursting ?

Proof that being kicked in the balls is more painfull than giving birth.
Guys would never consider being kicked in the balls after the first time.
Woman would consider having another child therefore proving being kicked in the balls is worse.

Pie and Wank

Paddy walks past a pub when he sees a sign on the door, PIES 50p WANKS 20p.
He can't believe his luck so he goes inside and approaches the fit barmaid.
"Excuse me, are you the lady that gives the wanks?"
"Yes." she replies.
"Well wash your hands and cook me a fucking pie."

Talking Dog

A man is driving around the Countryside and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep" the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten pounds,' the guy says.
'Ten pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit.'