Little Johnny Unlimited

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

*****

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

*****

On the way to the school with his father LJ sees a pair of dogs in action.
Little Johnny: Father what is happening there ?
Father(a bit embarrassed): Nothing son, the bitch is taking the dog to the hospital on her back.
Little Johnny: How bad of the dog !!!! Meanwhile he is f***** her

*****

F in Arithmetics
Li'l Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetics.
Father : "Why?"
Li'l Johnny : "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
Father : "But that's right!"
Li'l Johnny : "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father : "What's the fucking_difference?"
Li'l Johnny : "That's exactly what I said."

****** Swimming Pool
Little Johnny was approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," Johnny protested.
"Sure they do," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

***

like the way you think
The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds,
asked the class the following question, " What is bright red
and shiny?"
Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, " A fire engine
!!!!???"
"No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you
think..
Anyone else?"
Little Susan replied that it was an apple and the teacher
was happy except Johnny of course..
Anyway, Little Johnny asked the teacher if he can ask a
question to which she nodded OK. " What is long, hard,
rounded and has hair at one end? "
"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT
TALK HERE..."
Johnny replied, " No, it's a toothbrush, but I like the
way you think"..

*****

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Li'l Johnny: " Because George still had the axe in his hand."

*****

WHO SAID THAT
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CATCH YOU ALL LATER!"

************

Finding Little Johnny making faces at the other kids on the school playground, his teacher stopped to gently reprove him.
Smiling sweetly, she said,
"When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied,
"Well you can't say you weren't warned."

***********

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".. "My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

*********

Where to go to Pee

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Johnny, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So, Johnny and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Johnny, "Well, did you find it?"
Johnny is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

***********