Little Johnny - Good Salesmanship

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.


Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."


"Very good," said the teacher.



Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."


"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk "$2,467," he said.


"$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"


"Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes," echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing... 'Hey, this tastes like shit!'


Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Innuendo

I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a blowjob for a pound?"

Unfortunately Named Professionals

• 1. Dr. Dick Chopp

  
  

• 2. Dick Payne

  
  

• 3. Professor Fuck

  
  

• 4. Dr. Cockburn

  
  

• 5. Anurag Dikshit

  
  

• 6. Coach Sally Mangina

  
  

• 7. Representative Dick Ball

  
  

• 8. Dr. Harry Beaver

  
  

• 9. Dick Hyman

  
  

• 10. Yolanda Squatpump

  
  

• 11. Ima Hogg

  
  

• 12. Peter Enis

  
  

• 13. Dr. Harry Johnson

  
  

• 14. Anita Dick

  
  

• 15. Professor Assmann

  
  

• 16. Dr. Pornsak

  
  

• 17. Dr. Dick Weiner

  via.
  

• 18. Dr. B.J. Hardick

  
  

• 19. Ben Dover

  
  

• 20. Sheriff Mike Hunt

  Thanks to Yuppiepunk for some of these names!!
  

Jail chaos

Jail chaos as lag hacker is left in charge of computer system

By Justin Penrose 27/09/2009

A jailed hacker shut down a prison's entire computer system - after bosses gave him the job of programming it.
Douglas Havard, 27, serving six years for stealing up to £6.5million using forged credit cards over the internet, was approached after governors wanted to create an internal TV station but needed a special computer program written.
He was left unguarded and hacked into the system's hard drive at Ranby Prison, near Retford, Notts. Then he set up a series of passwords so no one else could get into the system.

The blunder emerged a week after the Sunday Mirror revealed how an inmate at the same jail managed to get a key cut that opened every door.
Havard was put in segregation as punishment. But he left the system crippled. A prison source said: "It's unbelievable that a criminal convicted of cyber-crime was allowed uncontrolled access to the hard drive. He set up such an elaborate array of passwords it took a specialist company to get it working."
A Prison Service spokesman said the breach was being investigated, adding: "Prisoners are not allowed unsupervised access to computers. The prisoner was not able to access records of any other prisoners."

Men and Women

Credits : Swades

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.Although they are so busy, they still have time for women. 
2. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
3. Although they don't really care for them, they always like to have one around.
4. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with other women.
5. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women around leaves them.
6. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

---

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes which they can hardly afford.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you. 

Cybersex

Dad: Son I think it's time we had a chat man to man about cybersex.
Son: Um ok, dad. What did you want to know?

Business

'Are your relatives in business?'
'Yes - in the iron and steel business'
'Oh, indeed?'
'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'

Tried once

A man walked into a pub on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the barman asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the barman said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The barman asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The barman said, "Your only son, I take it?"

The weird Salesman

A priest concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several boxes of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The priest knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the priest decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the priest immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you do selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing over an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected."
The priest responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Apprehensively, he turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered a large envelope.
He opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?
"The priest exclaimed. "Louie, there's £3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the priest agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten p-p-p-pounds ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Buying Condoms

A young man go's to the chemist to buy some condoms, a little afraid he asks the old lady behind the counter for some.
"What size would you like?" she enquires. Unaware that there are different sizes he admits he doesn't know. The lady tells him there is a penis sizing guide in the back built into the fence, if he puts his knob through each of the holes she will be able to size it.
The lad puts his knob through the first hole the old lady grabs his knob and starts wanking it off.
The lad then puts his knob through the second hole and the lady starts sucking him off.
The lad then puts his knob through the final hole and the lady grabs it and pushes it into her arse.
After this the lady runs back into the shop and pretends to know nothing about the fence. "So what size condom do you think you need then?"
"Fuck the condoms, how much for the Fence?" the lad replies.

Facebook and Twitter : Adding a new dimension to Stalking

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

Hilarious Video.

Credits : http://www.theonion.com

That poor kid :P!!

Globalization

Dating Site Captcha fail

Wrong Meaning!

a man was on a plane from Dublin to New York at the begining of the flight he called over the air hostess and gave her a large cooler "could you please keep this in the fridge in the cabin" he said "these are very rare brazillian crabs" he explained to her "if anything happens to them i'm holding you responsible"
The hostess nodded and brought the cooler to the cabin.

when the plane arrived in New York the man was getting his bags when the air hostess came on the intercom "could the man who gave me crabs in Dublin please make his way to the front of the plane"

your Phone is happy to see you

Don't Push too many buttons or your phone might get a boner!

Genius Kids

A police officer had found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists and one day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
Ten year old Dennis Porter was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

MANCHESTER UNITED VIRUSES HAVE HIT COMPUTERS!

They are particularly harmful and here are such examples-
The Manchester United Virus. This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.
The David Beckham Virus. This affects newer PC's mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.
The Roy Keane Virus. This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows.
The Alex Ferguson Virus. The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on screen clock runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how your days been) than all the other computers in the building.
The Ben Foster Virus. This one's not particularly harmful - but you just can't save anything.
The Gary Neville Virus. This is the extremely ugly one.
The Manchester United Shirt Virus. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every 3 months
The Dimitar Berbatov Viris. The computer still works fine just performs really slowly.
Don't worry, real football fan anti-virus software to be available soon.

Condom and an Old Man

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's room and asks what it is. "It's a condom," replies the grandson. "What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa. The grandson is embarrassed, so he says,"I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain." Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks for a condom. "What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist. "Big enough to fit a Camel."

The Old Bastard

Young man walking along pier sees an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the water an fishing with an imaginary rod! Puzzled, young man asks, "what you up to mate?" Old man says "fishing for cunts!" Young man says "fishing for cunts? sounds good, can i have a go?" "Of course you can, pull up a pew son" he sits down, casts out an imaginary rod an says "so, how many cunts have you caught so far?" old guy says "you're the 3rd this morning!"

Singular and Plural

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses"
I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese"
Nope, that still didn't sound right,
"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi"
Ahh fuck it I thought,
"Dear Sir, Im starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose".
" P.S. Send me another one"

Sexual Calorie Counter

The highs and lows of male adolescence

Scottish World Cup Squad

Me and my girlfriend have been together a long time, and our favourite sexual position is the Scottish World Cup Squad. Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there, there's no passion, no communication and we never even make it past the first stage. It's often accompanied by a very bad soundtrack, horrible dribbling and never ever a clean sheet. It's always over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another 12 years before it happens again

Gay People can quote bible too!

Baniya Jokes

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de


Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir baju wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D:D



Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!


Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:)


Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya
charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .
Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale .


Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.



Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga



Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

Too hasty...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes when you're calling a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique....a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs. You know the kind. So I'm in my room in the hotel and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Spaghetti

For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Chinese proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Pregnancy and Advertising

A young woman who was several months pregnant
boarded a bus.Then she noticed a young man smiling at her,she began feeling humiliated on account of her
condition. Shechanged her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court this was the man's reply
when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling".

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
He won the case.

DeCaprio

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds.The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?"

Bill Clinton

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The  Pope was told, however,  that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem  and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down.They stopped to chat. "Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope. "No problem," replies Clinton.
pope says "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton asks, "Why's that?" "Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
President Clinton replies, "you're a day late".\

***************************


A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Teresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."


***************************

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

***************************



A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

MJ Jokes

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"


************************

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

************************


Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

***********************

Funny Telegrams

Telegram 1 
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her  clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as  "Father, your daughter has been successful in  BED." 
 
Telegram 2 
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a  hill  station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you 
were here." The message received by wife, "I  wish you  were her." 
 
Telegram 3 
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to  railway  station to return to her husband. At the  reservation counter, while her turn came,it was  the last  ticket.Taking pity on a very old lady next to her  in the 
queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and  sent a telegram to her husband which reached as  "Shall 
be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave  birth to an old lady." 

Telegram 4 
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by  throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday  cake. 
The salesman asks him what message he wants to  put  on  the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says 
let's  put, "you are not getting older you are getting  better". The salesman asks "how do you want me 
to  put  it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting  older", at the top and You are getting better"  at 
the  bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake  was  opened the entire party watched the message  decorated  on the cake "You are not getting older at the  top,  You  are getting better at the bottom". 

Rocket alcohol

Banta Singh and Santa Singh enrolled at the astronaut training program at Houston, Texas.

Before starting the program, the coordinator warned them that they would not be allowed a drop of alcoholic drink during the program and that they had to certify this in writing. Both agreed to this condition and began their training.
After 2 months, both of them began to desperately crave for alcohol. They hatched up several schemes like trying to bribe the guard, but he would have none of it. They tried to escape into the town adjacent to the training center, but were nabbed.

One night Banta said to Santa "Oye Santa, I’ve got an idea. Remember what they taught us this morning about rocket fuel? It contains a huge proportion of alcohol! Now, if we could just steal some of it and mix it with soda, it will taste like a whiskey soda!".

Santa agreed and the next day they stole 2 liters of the fuel and mixed it with soda, cooked some tandoori chicken, drank their fuel-soda and had a great time. At the end of the evening Banta left for his room and said that he’d ring Santa in the morning so they could have tea together.

The next morning, Banta rang up Santa and asked

"Oye Santa tu hale toitet to nahin gaya?" (hope you haven't been to the loo yet)
Santa: "nahin" (no)
Banta
"Je jaega tau Amritsar de val mooh rakhna, mai Tokyo to boal reha hoon" (when you go try and face Amritsar [the hometown] I'm in Tokyo)

Religious Bride!

The bride was very religious. As soon as she got married, she put a
sign above their bed, "I need thee every day."

So the following day, the husband put up his own sign next to hers,
"Oh Lord, give me the strength."

How to annoy people!

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at  passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be : xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask  if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) dontuseanypunctuationorspaces

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

17) Sing Along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Hum when you ride an elevator.

and finally

24) Tell this to everyone in your address book, even if they have told you the same.

DONT TAKE THINGS IN WRONG SENSE !!!!

Don't take things in the wrong sense:
When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes
When the DENTIST says, Open wide
When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown ?
When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back ?
When the INTERIOR DECORATOR say, Once it's in, you'll love it.
When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again
When the BANKER say, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest
When the HUNTER says Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots

(and my favourite)When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against
the wall

RULES OF MANHOOD Updated

37. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get in his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a, "F---OFF!", you are absolved of all responsibility.

36.If fast dancing is absolutely necessary, a man may NEVER raise his hands above shoulder level ...super gay.

35.If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

34.Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

33.If a buddy is out numbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whooping", then you may sit back and enjoy.

32.A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

31.When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her  the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

30.A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

29.The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

28.Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

27.You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call, "Bullshit!". (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

26.When a man is queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,priest, shrink, dentist, accountant or dog walker, he need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.  He is permitted to deny his very existence.

25.The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is five minutes. Maximum waiting time is six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

24: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

d. Nice butt. Are you a Sagittarius?

23: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

22: It is permissible to have a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

21: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

20: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

19: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

18: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

17: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

16: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

15: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

14: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

13: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

12: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

11: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

9: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

8: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

7: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances

(a) Megan Fox decides to venture into pornography.

(b) After wrecking your boss's car.

(c) When your date is using her teeth.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Multipurpose Vaseline!

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. 

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the  product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she replied.

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to  me and say  that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or  to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know  that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since  you've been frank
so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and  I put it  on the door knob  and it keeps the kids out."

Beer!

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had
forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake
passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and
robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he
snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went
about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his
trouser leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

India vs Pakistan

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy  clean streets of Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search he could not find any,  And eventually couldn't control and chose a silent  corner  of a clean street to release himself.

Once he had just started, a police official approached him, Hey, What do you think you're doing here?

Pakistani tourist: sorry I have to "P"
Police: No PP here okay? Follow me...
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby
with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around....
Police: PP here.. have a nice day police said.
Pakistani tourist: Oh sir ... that is very nice of you,  is this Indian courtesy?
Police: No... this is Pakistani Embassy !!
-------------------
Pakistan just got their new Chineses fighter planes and  sent a squadron of pilots there for training.  "Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer,  "even you fools should be able to operate it!  You press this button to go up, this one to go left and  this one for turning right!"
"But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha."Oh," said the  Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"
-------------------
One day, as a sardar taxi driver was driving along he saw a  priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over. 

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

”No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in."
The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued  down the road.

Suddenly the Sardar saw a Pakistani walking  down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him,  so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing  the Paki.

However even though he was certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani"
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
-----------------

A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed  that he needed an immediate brain transplant  operation.
The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain  for $10,000 dollars or an American's for $25,000 dollars  or I can give you 10 gms. of a Paki's brain for $100,000  dollars."
The patient asked,"Why is the Paki's brain so much more  expensive than the others?""Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go  through a lot of Pakistanis to find 10 gms of brain."
------------------
Ashraf, the Pakistani went to London's Heathrow airport  to buy his ticket back home to Rawalpindi.At the counter he found that  he was 10pence short of the fare.
Having no other way out, he turned to all the other passengers  and begged.."

Will someone please give me 10 pence? I badly want to go back and meet
my Abba and Ammi again!"

"Here" said a Sardar, reaching into his wallet and handing  him one Pound".....keep the change and take nine of your country  men with you!"

Doctor vs Mechanic

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon.
Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

Darling

The manager of a large office noticed a new man
one day and told him to come into his office. "What
is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked
the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind
of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but
I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in
authority. I refer to my employees by their last name
only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got
that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is
John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Fucking Genius!

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ''I fancy the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad'' He climbs up a rafter, hangs upside down and shouts... ''I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb''!!!! at the top of his voice as Murphy watches in amazement. The Foreman shouts ''Paddy, get down, pack your tools, you're mad, go home''. He leaves the site. Murphy then starts to pack his tools up, ''Where are you going?'' asks the Foreman. Murphy replies ''I can't work in the fucking dark''!!

Bad Luck!

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy. The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter. The American says, "Wow! Cool lighter, where did you get it?" The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle." "Wow!" says the American. "Can I have a go?" "Sure," Says the Englishman. The American rubs the bottle and the genie comes out. "You have one wish," says the genie. The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish. About five minutes, later a load of ducks come into the bar - there are hundreds of thousands of them. The American says, "I don't believe this - I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The Englishman says, "Well, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch BIC?"

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT!

1. You're so cute when you're angry.
2. Don't you have some laundry to do or something.
3. You're just upset because you're putting on weight.
4. Wait a minute, I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one.
6. Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
7. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning.
8. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
9. Woah time out! Football is on!
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

The Cycle of Success

SUCCESS At age 4 success is: not peeing in your pants At age 12 success is: having friends. At age 16 success is: having a driver’s licence. At age 30 success is: having money. At age 60 success is: having money. At age 70 success is: having a driver’s licence At age 80 success is: having friends. At age 90 success is: not peeing in your pants.

The Blind Bastard

A blind guy was waiting to cross the road when his blind dog (Seeing Eye dog) raises his leg and pisses on his shoes. The blind guy reaches into his pocket takes out a toffee, unwraps it and bends down offering it to roughly where his dog is. A woman standing by sees this exchange and says to the blind guy “that's the kindest thing I have ever seen, he pissed on you and you are giving him a toffee” The blind guy says “I want to know which end his head is, I am going to kick him in the bollocks

yukk!!

Two elderly people are having a bit of fun, the old man goes down on the old lady but after a few minutes he comes back up gasping for breath, saying he can't continue as it smells too bad down there.
"Of course it does, I've got arthritis" she replies.

"Fuck off, you cant get it in your pussy!" he tells her.

"No you silly cunt, I've got it in my shoulder and I havn't wiped my arse in years"

HELL No!

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years". 100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess. The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"

Superman's adventure

superman was flying around comic land, horny. not had any for months when he bumps into batman. "batman" he says "who is the best shag in comic land?" "wonder woman" batman says " best by a mile." superman and wonderwoman have a lot of history and the caped crusader thinks that it would be wrong to go through his childhood friend. He flies around a bit more when he bumps into spiderman. "spiderman" says superman "im fucking dying for a bunk up, who is the best shag in comic land?" spiderman replies " well superman, ive had the lot and i got to say wonderwoman was the best of the lot, amazing, an all round acrobat does the lot" superman by now was in turmoil, didnt know what to do, would be against all his ethics to rip the back out of wonderwoman. He flies round and round comic land wondering what to do when all of a sudden he spots something in a field below. Wonderwoman laid flat on her back stark bollock naked. He thinks to himself "i could use my superhuman speed to get down there, fuck her brains out and be up in the air before she even notices." "Fuck it" he says to himself "here we go" Superman swoops down, BANG back up in the air before wonderwoman even realises whats going on. "what the fuck was that?" said wonderwoman Invisible man says "dunno but my arseholes fucking killing!!!"

This ones for the CS fans

The difference

Speed Limit

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled
the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!" The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and
they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

It's In The Genes

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue.
After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my
son."

Popemobile

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to
his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"
"No. More important."
"The President?"
"No. More important."
"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.
"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

NASA

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at
a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the same problem, used a pencil

Modern Cinema

Things we have learned from current movies
1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing device that have large red readouts telling when they are going to go off.
2. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.
   A good German accent will do.
4. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises while wearing their most revealing underwear.
5. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
6. One man shooting at 20 men has la better chance of killing them than 20 men firing one man, if he is the hero.
7. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication system of any invading alien civilization.
8. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will
   wait patiently to attack you one by one.

Tricks!

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Brand Names

I think the worst-named product ever is Ramses, a brand of condom. Ramses was an Egyptian emperor who had literally hundreds of children. What a fucking disgraceful name for a brand of condom. It's like having a brand of guns called "Hugs and Kisses" or a kitchen cleaner called "Covered in Shit".

Upside Down

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old cunt dig. I had him buried upside down."

Sex explained

Digging Your Nose

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

SO..ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH 

A penis's request

Dear Management, I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases Sincerely, Penis --------------------------- Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to startworking You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, Management

Bush's Speech

George. W . Bush was getting ready for a speech at the Olympics. "Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo" His secretary went up to him and said "Sir, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is underneath"

Acute Angina

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both completely pissed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

OMG.....Is that a tattoo?

The god of all things fucked..maybe?

No farting during surgery!

See what happens if u fart during a surgery,...so if u wanna have sex with your wife again...try to hold this one off.

Lost Cat, answers to the name 'Thundercock'

We lost our pet cat so please do us a solid and pass along this lost cat poster to everyone you know. No negotiations on the reward.

Credits : http:nextround.net

Static Shock....

hahahahaha  .... poor kid!

Credits : http://nextround.net/

Johnny in maths class

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits , and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have 1 at home!!!

Sardarji is Back ... oldies but good

Question :

What does a sardar say to himself when he sees a banana peel lying in his way ?

Answer :

Oh shit !!! I'll fall again !!!


*********************


Santa was riding on a horse. He jumped the red light & a cop whistles.

Santa lifts the tail of horse & says: 'Le Karle Number Note'

*********************
sardar had twins
.
.
..
.

he named tara and sitara,
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
again he had twins
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
he named peter and repeater.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Again he had twins
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
he named max and climax,
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
again he had twins
.
.
..
.

..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.named tired and retired


*********************


Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.


*********************


Guys in the University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.. One common
question was asked to all 4 of them.


INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?

YALE guy: Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light

HARVARD Guy: It's the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in
your mind.

MIT guy: Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked

SANTA SINGH: Its Loose motion

INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa's reply, asked) "WHY"?

SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the
worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHTS, it was over!!!!


*********************

Passport….

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

Screwed

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:
I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

Golf vs Sex

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Calling Names

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering..

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot,
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain,
because it goes down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor,
because it goes from mouth to mouth

Thats gotta hurt....

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?" The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

Collegues Fail

House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, far right, speaks while colleagues play solitaire on their computers as the House convenes to vote on a new budget for the fiscal year in the Capitol, in Hartford, Conn., Monday, Aug., 31, 2009.


credits : www.failblog.org

Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy...

 

- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- Your orgasms are real. Always.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Foreplay is optional.
- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
- Same work... more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
- One mood, all the time.

John Gets screwed !!!

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

Wasim Bhai aur uska Tota

Ek din ek lady shop se parrot kharidne gayi...
Usne dukandar se kaha Wasim bhai ek tota chahaiye...
Dukandar ne use ek tota dikhaya...
Lady ne puchha iss tote ki khas baat kya hai Vasim bhai...
Dukan dar bola ye tota bolta hai
Lady ne kaha acha...
Usne tote se puchaa main tumhe kaisi lagti hoon
"Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai" tote ne kaha.
Lady ne kaha Wasim bhai ye toh bahut badtamiz tota hai gali deta hai.
Wasim bhai usse ander le gaya aur pani me dubaya aur puchha...
Gali dega...
Tota. Haan dunga
Wasim... phir dubaya aur puchha. gali dega"
Tota... haan dunga....
Wasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha. gali dega..
Iss bar tota maan gaya aur kaha nahi dunga bhai nahi dunga...
Vo usse bahar le gaya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nahi dega..
Tab lady ne usse puchha...
Agar mere ghar par mere sath ek aadmi aye to tum kya sochoge.
Tote ne kaha... ki tumhara pati hoga...
Lady... agar doh aadmi aye to kya.
Tota.tumhara pati aur devar,
Lady. agar teen aadmi...
Tota.tumhara pati ,devar,aur bhaiya.
Lady... agar char aadmi aye toh...
Tota...
,,
.
,.
,.
.
,
,
,
,.

Wasim bhai pani lao...
Maine toh pehle hi kaha tha ki
"behen ki laudi randi hai".

Sexual Exhaustion

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:
"Well, I guess you`ll have to learn to write with your other hand."

15 Durex Ads So Clever They Almost Make You Want To Buy Condoms

15 Durex Ads So Clever They Almost Make You Want To Buy Condoms

August 28th, 2009 by NextRound in Featured, Humor, Images